Word of the Day: Apology

It used to be said, “a large woman makes people feel uncomfortable.”  I phrased it “used to” because those words put the responsibility of someone else’s discomfort onto someone else.  She should take no responsibility for how others feel.

But listen to a group of women.  Talking amongst themselves, they will have their own thing going.  Then have anyone drift into that group’s personal space, just passing by a little too close, brushing up against a shoulder enough to drop a phone, or maybe even have a man barge right in like parting the Red Sea.  Unless they are a biker gang or a gathering of Cosplay grabbing lunch at the mall, the women will most likely accommodate the intruder and pick up the phone for him, as the phrase “I’m sorry” escapes the women’s mouths like sweater moths out of a winter storage box.  I notice this even mtn biking too, in social settings that involve a group riding single file, even if its all  these tough women.  There might be a technical feature that slows a rider, perhaps a log or hole where no one gets hurt, and a spectator standing there will hear, “Sorry.” ‘sorry.” “I’m sorry” Sorr-ry.” “sorry!” chirping from most of the women as the line rides by.  Please prove me wrong.

Many women habitually apologize for their very existence.  Not the quiet, unobtrusive existence, the one that’s socially acceptable since the only thing she says is “I’m sorry.”  Those words are ok.  Unless other people want her to be assertive, then the modest one isn’t ok.  No Apologies Necessary.

In these modern days, women don’t have to apologize for exhibiting the assertive confident existence anymore, thank goodness. That one’s ok, unless she should sit down and shut up when the assertive one isn’t ok.  We don’t need facts when they are just her opinion; she’s too Intense.

Girls learn to apologize for the existence that disappoints others (making mistakes defined by someone else), or gets in the way (of someone else), slows down (other people), or rushes (other people), eats too much (of other people’s food) doesn’t clean enough (leave it better than we found it), or just generally all around not fulfilling expectations …  In other words, women learn to apologize for being human.   “I’m sorry,” repeated so often, a woman will apologize for that too.  This is not her fault.

Like my mtn biking friends, many women habitually apologize without even a thought.  Somehow we learned it is diplomatically polite to believe inconvenience is our fault.  If there are dirty dishes on the counter, or a diaper rash appears, whose fault is it?  (hint: Men “help” with the housework.)

Oprah spent years holding her own in a culture that focused on her appearance. She once said in response to the daily attention her weight drew, that a woman’s size represents her presence.

Her size represented her confidence, because she wore it confidently. Her size was threatening to the patriarchybecause a woman just can’t have all that confident presence all on her own.  People focused on her dress size instead of the empowering messages she was lofting through suburban doors, past the broom closet, and over the din of soap operas.  She came on the tv schedule at 4:00, when housewives should have been in the kitchen preparing dinner to the irritation of their husbands.  “Quit watching Oprah,” my first husband used to tell me with a sneer, the union sheet metal worker from the midwest who said he would never touch dishwater.  Oprah woke me up.   In a culture where a woman’s large presence would be something to be ashamed of, she was the example of a sizable woman confident with herself with no apologizes.  She had more.

This isn’t fair.  She should have had to earn positive self-esteem.  She shouldn’t have just been able to declare her own positive self-esteem, Was it justified?  Why is she so confident; what are the reasons she felt good about herself?  Because its society’s business to tell her if she deserved it or not.  Apparently, metabolism and genetics have become some sort of self-control issue, and we certainly couldn’t trust a powerful woman with self-control issues.  Just think, with that much money and that much influence, she might just spontaneously give stuff away, to whoever she wants to.

Just like Kenyetta Wilbourn-Snapp provided for her students, but then got indicted for Tax evasion. On the surface of things, a Mazeratti might seem over the top, but that car meant a particular something to those students, and you would have to grow up in a Detroit ghetto to know.  At the time, Mazerattti Rick was a dealer, flamboyant with his wealth and influence, drawing kids into the business as the only option they could even see.  Kenyetta was given reins to one of the most dangerous, poorly funded school districts in the nation.  How else was she to be an example to those kids, to show the smart ones that an education from such a place wouldn’t be a waste of time?  When a young couple would need transportation to the Prom, she let them borrow the Mazeratti, instilling trust in the bargain.

A woman’s size represents her presence?  Petite and feisty, she patrolled that high school with a baseball bat.  She didnt need a gun.

Has our culture come to this, standing Everywoman onto her own 1″ high-heel pedestal, examining her “assets,” parceling out a woman’s presence from her body?
A woman’s body REPRESENTS her presence.
as if her body could STAND IN FOR HER self.

As if her body was not even hers.  Which means the space her body occupies was not hers either, because it is merely representing the best she could be.  She is representing  cultural expectations, her parent’s expectations, her future man’s expectations, her man’s expectations…  She would have to be an angel to live up to that.  And I mean both kinds, obedient and or fallen, depending on those very expectations.

Lets consider that she have her own expectations, by and of herself, if she would even be allowed that.   Would a young girl be a disappointment if she didn’t have particular, typically unselfish, expectations of herself?  Disappointing to whom?  Where has she learned that she isn’t good enough on her own, if not from her parents?  TV?  At least my generation had Mr Rogers.  Now they have what, Tiaras for Toddlers?  Why should it matter?  Can a girl just ever be “good enough.”

As she is maturing, if under unrealistic expectations, how will a girl know what traits should fill that space?  If she does not even know herself by just being herself, what traits would impress her enough to model herself after, or ask to be a mentor?  Who TF knows? She certainly doesn’t, and hopefully no man.  If she doesnt know herself, would she then feel like an eternal fraud?

At this point, only a God could know who she really is.  And one should hope that God is an infinitely caring God like a Father type God, yes?  I apologize, my faith digresses into imagination.

I’m speaking of how most girls are being raised today.  This is reality.  With so many Pink Barbie Princess Angel Baby Personas to choose from in every aisle, what more could a girl aspire to be?
Enter Shame imprinting into her psyche, with guilt associated with her human failings, into her shadow-self being, allowed to speak in the form of an apology.   Her justified self, the identity that has permission to exist, survives with a voice and without shame only through validation from others.

Who is not encouraged to represent that girl’s body-shaped space?  Her independent, undefinable, natural, human, ineffable Self.

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Hey Good Father, who am I?  Haven’t we had enough of shame?  Its a rather useless emotion after all. Is it even an emotion in the first place?

Dear, this article from Psychology Today says Shame is A Concealed, Contagious, and Dangerous Emotion.

“As a self-conscious emotion, shame informs us of an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, dishonor, regret, or disconnection. Shame is a clear signal that our positive feelings have been interrupted. Another person or a circumstance can trigger shame in us, but so can a failure to meet our own ideals or standards. Given that shame can lead us to feel as though our whole self is flawed, bad, or subject to exclusion, it motivates us to hide or to do something to save face. So it is no wonder that shame avoidance can lead to withdrawal or to addictions that attempt to mask its impact.

In fact, we’ll most likely conceal what we feel because…

shame does not make a distinction between an action and the self.

Therefore, with shame, “bad” behavior is not separate from a “bad” self as it is with guilt. Shame is often confused with guilt–an emotion when we feel remorseful and wish to make amends. Where we will likely have an urge to admit guilt, or talk with others about a situation that left us with guilty feelings, it is much less likely that we will broadcast our shame.”

Why would I have to “broadcast” shame?  Someone else projected that.  Why agree with an accuser?  I’m done with that word.  Shame is out.  I’m an artist anyway.   I have creative license.

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I read a while ago that the original Greek meaning of the word “apology” is basically an explanation.  Cut and dried.  Thats it.  No regret, no guilt, and no shame involved.  “This is what happened.”

So how did that old word come to mean the following?

noun: apology; plural noun: apologies
1.  a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.
“we owe you an apology”
synonyms: expression of regret, one’s regrets “I owe you an apology”
used to express formally one’s regret at being unable to attend a meeting or social function.
“apologies for absence were received from Miss Brown”

2.a very poor or inadequate example of.
“we were shown into an apology for a bedroom”

Regardless of gender, it seems as if even “defending oneself” has taken on an air of guilt…  As in, why do you need your own space?  or privacy?  What do you have to hide?  Paranoia?  Here’s a tape of your phone conversations tapped by the father of your two young daughters, as he tells you, “I don’t like who you’re talking with or what you’re saying about me. If you leave, I will tell everyone you’re crazy and take your children away.”
Would you be paranoid?  Defend yourself now.

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A Poem:

Its a H-ll of a Day in the Neighborhood.
(A puppet show performed by a kind, intelligent, confident woman, in a set however the reader wishes to imagine.  Hopefully, the reader’s imagination is inspired.)

The word Apology has grown old believing it must say its sorry, habitually defending itself by shouldering blame.  It appears even the act of apologizing has been thrown in the corner, like a used up Peter Pan finally getting disciplined and his shadow tossed right with him.

Shame has been accusing Apology of being bad, before it could even have its say.

Apology,  the author is taking you out of the corner now, so don’t feel sorry.   What has happened to your confidence in the past two thousand years?

If Apology was treated with respect, it wouldn’t have to grow old feeling guilty.

If Apology didn’t have to avoid a painful punishment, it wouldn’t feel defensive all the time, in Fight or Flight mode that doesnt allow contentment.  Apologies wouldn’t have to be in the position of reacting before being allowed to have a voice.   Explaining one’s self could be assertive instead of defensive.

In other words:
If a girl’s failures under unrealistic expectations require her to apologize, but exceeding them doesn’t, then merely expressing her self implies guilt. A shadow self develops from self-protection.  As shame is instilled with defensiveness into her being, a girl would have have difficulty developing the maturity to be assertive instead of defensive.
When her body represents her presence, then she would have difficulty developing the maturity to protect her body as well.

(This Poem is dedicated to Dr Rogers, Commanding Officer of the psyche ward that tried to keep me safe for 8 months, after a concussion left me with what the Dr. said was the emotional maturity of a three year old in a 19 year old body.  Btw, whatever happened to that Corpsman on the ward who took me out on a “date.”  What kind of protection was that? Yeah, even in the hospital, MeToo.)

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here’s the third part of Apology’s definition, the part that doesn’t tote guilt along:

3. a reasoned argument or writing in justification of something, typically a theory or religious doctrine.
“a specious apology for capitalism”
synonyms: defense of, explanation of, justification of, vindication of, apologia for
“an apology for capitalism”

Whoa.   An Apology doesn’t have to feel guilty when its explaining a religion?
And when apologies are in order, capitalism is just a theory, and gets a free ride from guilt too?

So let me get this straight.  When people apologize, we’ve been taught to feel guilty.  Plus, women have somehow grown accustomed to feeling sorry for their presence, for just being human instead of embodying some imaginary angel, or devil, or C-cup Superhero, …  Where would people learn this method of indoctrination?  From a book where the punishment for a minor virgin girl being raped is that her body is quartered and scattered to four corners of the wilderness, as far as the Earth goes?  Isn’t this obvious?

And now religious doctrines get a free ride from feeling guilt?  The very same doctrines that have been teaching women for the past two thousand years that the shame of all humanity is our fault, from the time of woman’s first curiosity?

Who thinks up these words?


The Sandbox

Commented on Ancient Tree Research Project (Part 1) ~ Giant Cedars of Lebanon 🌲


Didn’t Enoch say the Angels cut the trees down? Aren’t the Fallen Angels the ones who taught mankind so many technological things, sorcery, alchemy, metalwork, all hallmarks of civilization?

How much of civilization is sustainable?  The word’s definition cannot include un-sustainable.  There cannot be “sustainable up to a certain tipping point where things ‘become’ un-balanced.”  If the system was ever sustainable in the beginning, it would continue.  There would be no question of reaching un-balance in the first place.

In his book, Endgame: the problem of Civilization, the author Jensen makes many valid points that nothing about “civilization’s” consumption of resources is sustainable. Look at the National Forest Department, and their way of “managing” forest lands by clear-cutting it. Erasing what they are entrusted to manage, a la Dr. Seuss and the Lorax. What kind of “management” is that? Especially since raw forest products are pretty much sold off to maintain government’s annual GDP numbers, the economic matrix that is governed by Quarterly profits and losses, the imposition of a calendar onto the natural world. All of these are more elements of civilization taught by the Fallen Angels.

How do our forests get used to death? To what purpose? Junk Mail, Toilet paper, and 2x4s for homes that isolate us even more from the natural world. We KNOW plastic is so harmful to the natural world, filling up entire oceans, yet we still can’t stop using ziploc bags, disposable forks, and shower curtains.
Let us not forget the conflicts of civilized religion over animist beliefs, imposing “peace” with maniacal methods. Madness.

Now, how many of us are pure descendants of Noah, the pure genetic bloodline? How many of us are “tainted?” I would venture that most of us are both. The nature of our “instinctual drive” to mow trees down might be related to our “fallen angel” characteristics, while our “common sense instincts” for natural preservation of God’s Green Earth recognizes this is a problem. What can save us from this insanity, manifesting both inside our minds and outside in our environment? How bad does this enclosed Flat Earth sandbox have to get, before we recognize we can’t fix this on our own? Aren’t we all Good angels, and/or fallen angels?

I have wondered for a long time, if the dome over our flat earth is for our protection, (either like an insane asylum or like a prison) until we can first just realize our madness that keeps us from returning to the Good Father. WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. What is the way out? Perhaps reading the words of Jesus is a start, including the Gnostics.


Replied to a comment on Oil Flowing From A Bible || End Times Prophecy ?!?

your insight is profound. (recognizing God’s creation)  “the things that YOU create, can only represent Me. But the things that you CANT create, that come from Me, are Me.”

“she didnt say, If I don’t get to him, I’ll die. What she said was, ‘if I can get to Him, I’ll live.”
“don’t have the attitude, if they don’t pray for me, I’ll die.
You have the attitude, If you’ll come pray for me, I’m gonna live.

Waves of God Particles

Replied to a comment on Into the Contradiction-verse… (the Problem with Quantum-Christian Apologetics)


Prov.3 Verses 5 to 6. “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” But Please, can’t we have just a little of our own understanding? Because Quantum Physics is kinda magic. Maybe we can fix things with quantum physics.

a guest from the video: “particles aren’t these little hard things, they are actually little energy vibrations in the field, and every fundamental particles, like photons and electrons, they have their own field, so there’s an electron field, there’s an up quark field. there’s all these fields. And that’s what REALITY is! So that’s really cool.”

Ok, got it.

And then he goes on to talk about Cern’s discovery of Higgs-Boson field/particle, that mass is the interaction with the Higgs field. “We used to think of mass like substance, but its not. Its almost like an electric charge, or a magnetic field, but that interaction IS mass. Positve and negative charge is like positive and negative mass. Its the same idea.”

Ok… um, got it. I think….

Do these guys really understand this quasi- Quantum Physics? Are they just trying to rush to the magic part as a solution, repeating the latest internet-light buzzwords without really understanding the science?  (Isn’t this repeating a belief?)

Weren’t the scientists calling it the God particle back then?

He goes on to say, “But that’s how photons, they don’t interact at all with the Higgs Field. Thats why the particle of light is massless. IF they had interacted with the Higgs field, they would have mass. And now scientists are wondering if consciousness is like that.”

my head is spinning.

I do remember that in the Gospel of Thomas, Jesus said to say, “we come from the light.” And if they are saying that light doesnt interact with the Higgs field God Particle at all, then this proves Jesus and the Higgs Field God are on different wavelengths entirely.

Are the eyes useless when the mind is blind? Let’s see.

Commented on MUST WATCH: Its all happening and Nobody cares.

Here’s some great advice I learned from my pastor twenty years ago. First he asked, are you Christian? I answered, yes. Then he repeated: are you Christian? I didn’t understand what he was getting at, but I replied yes, again.
“Where would you be without Jesus?”
I remembered the verse, the wages of sin is death, so I answered, “dead?”
He replied, “you belong to Jesus, He is control, and only He understands the higher plan. He knows and loves every detail about you. You don’t have to try to second guess your purpose, you are exactly where He wants you, just being yourself. ”

Jesus also reminds us not to worry about the future, each day brings enough trouble for its own. In other words, each day begins and ends unique, and is completely different than the next. This helps us to be present in the moment, while still concentrating on what He may need from us in His higher purpose. We just keep doing the best we can, growing accustomed to listening for His voice.

I find it interesting when some of us feel with this Mandela Effect, we have been placed in another world. Sometimes I ponder Jesus’ promise of eternal life. Is this something that Christians need to get used to?  (with daily assignments, each one as unique as we can handle?)

So many others don’t even see or recognize the obvious. You mention the “sheeple” who seem unaware. I heard a great quote the other day: “the eyes are useless when the mind is blind.”

John 12:39- For this reason they could not believe, for Isaiah said again, “HE HAS BLINDED THEIR EYES AND HE HARDENED THEIR HEART, SO THAT THEY WOULD NOT SEE WITH THEIR EYES AND PERCEIVE WITH THEIR HEART, AND BE CONVERTED AND I HEAL THEM.”  Nevertheless many even of the rulers believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they were not confessing Him, for fear that they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved the approval of men rather than the approval of God.
And Jesus cried out and said, “He who believes in Me, does not believe in Me but in Him who sent Me. “He who sees Me sees the One who sent Me. “I have come as Light into the world, so that everyone who believes in Me will not remain in darkness.”

Have we arrived? Good question

Commented on Terence McKenna – When I Was Schizophrenic

i am an artist. I find it interesting that when I make an observation that doesn’t fit with other’s beliefs of what is normal or acceptable, the people closest to me feel threatened because I am outside the norm.

Last year (while still living on Maui) I was trying to show people that we as a people have arrived someplace different, where the reality around us is more obviously influenced by our beliefs.
(for instance, I enjoy talking about Flat Earth just to stir up cognitive dissonance. There is plenty of “evidence” on both sides of the debate.)
Why not believe we have arrived in heaven then? There is enough valid argument to at least have a discussion, without arguing.

My own measure of sanity is, am I a danger to others? No, I was talking about heaven. Am I a danger to myself? Once again, I was talking about heaven, people, so I was even less of a danger to myself.

I was trying to hold sane conversations as a social experiment, and yet my topic (we have arrived) really bothered people. I was surprised at how much me being “outside the box” reflected on their own sense of stability. Acquaintances not so close were tell me I was alright. “Special” or “different” but ok. My family and my psychiatrist on the other hand, were accusing me of mental illness, saying I was just like my mother. (she was schizophrenic to some degree) This even though I was not schizophrenic, they had never met my mother, and most didn’t even know what schizophrenia really is in the first place.

To me, metaphorically, it seems people are clinging to suffering. (similar to PTSD, not to be taken lightly)

I like the quote attributed to Carl Jung, after he studied the newly discovered Gnostic Christian texts in the Nag Hammadi library: “Mental Illness is a failed initiation.” Is the initiation failed by the individual? Or the failure by the society surrounding him or her, losing the opportunity to expand our collective boundary of what is possible?

Profound quotes of John Trudell

Commented on Why Modern Humans are Walking Dead | The Indian Problem | John Trudell Tribute Compilation

Some quotes from this video, profound:
“everything on earth has being, we all have being, our being comes from relationship to sun, sky, universe..   In the same way “they” mine minerals and produce toxic waste, “they” use our intelligence to mine our energy to run their system. They do this because we are human beings. When they mine the being part of human, the toxic waste is fear, doubts and insecurities, that become our perception of “reality.”
Once the mining has taken place, we no longer remember we are human beings, but participate based on our inabilities….

How bad can you make yourself feel? How does that affect the people around you in a negative way?”  Sitting around feeling miserable, we are manifesting that reality.
Its not about powerlessness, its about coherence, understanding we are human beings.

It isnt going to be real to the Creator, until we use the gifts the Creator gave us. To show respect to our creator, we need to respect the intelligence our creator gave us, and use it clearly and coherently. This is how the prayers get answered.

Predator energy fears a clear, coherent human being. They invented guns and bombs, they don’t fear those, since they feed into chaos. They have taken away our ability to think. They have replaced it with believing.”

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I learned from a Hawaiian about the ‘aumakua, after I encountered several unusual incidents with a dragonfly. After I was taught what was happening i KNOW the ‘aumakua are real. They are the ancestors returning to communicate with us. From this I KNOW we are infinite.